I looked in the mirror today and I was surprised by what I found. I noticed the angle in which my face appeared flattered the delicate line of my nose, the squareness of my chin was less pronounced now that my cheeks are full and plush, no longer sunken and hallow like that of an emaciated waif. My soft brown hair, pulled back in a make shift bun had recently highlighted strands of blond falling and resting along the side of my face. The eyes that were wide open and staring back at me were a deep, but sad shade of blue. But yet I saw beauty in my reflection. Despite the gain of 50 lbs and the plumpness of my belly and thighs, I saw my heart in that image, and for the moment, I loved myself.
The irony of seeing this self-image is that it comes at a time when I am surrounded by so much chaos, with debris and shrapnel exploding all around me. The carnage and hurt that I’ve caused feels like an avalanche, you can’t outrun it, and soon I’ll be buried. If ever there were a time to feel self hatred towards myself, now would be the time. So, I was perplexed that when I looked in the mirror, instead of experiencing a longing to inflict some deep and prolonged pain onto myself, I saw the truth and saw the beauty within my heart.
I stared in that mirror for a long time, trying to feel some hatred towards myself. But, it was not there. I am angry with myself. I am disappointed. I hate what I’ve done. But I didn’t hate myself, but rather I simply for gave myself even though I look to my left, and then to my right and see the wake of destruction in my path. The expense of this moment of peace, perhaps, far exceeds the value of obtaining it. But “all sales are final” there’s no going back, there’s no way to undo the price that I’ve paid for this insight. But because I have learned how to love I understand that I must carry on this path that I started, honoring the love that I have hurt so badly. I’ve begun my journey towards redemption, so I must carry on without going back, because …”all sales are final.”
leighcannon 
I feel your peace, Leigh, and acceptance. Though you have turmoil around you, you are an oasis unto yourself–self-love won the battle and you embody a beautiful and quiet place within your heart for you.
I had a moment in my counselor’s office yesterday when he asked me if I’d feel comfortable looking in the mirror. I got all squirmy and uncomfortable and said “no.” When he asked me “why not?” all I could do was cry (which I found annoying because I thought I had reached acceptance). I pray for the day I can look in the mirror and truly love myself.
I wish you lived in Portland, OR. I’d love to have coffee with you. 🙂